we have pet lesbian snakes
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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