I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
