dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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