I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
and you fell through a lawn chair
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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