Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
