Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
