We're like a lot better than the average bears
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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