She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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