he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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