Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
