I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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