also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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