o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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