why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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