Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
