It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
whose ass print is on the piano?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
