Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
