he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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