I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
