I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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