Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
