Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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