Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
