My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
