He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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