Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
