she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
