i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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