Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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