i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
