Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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