I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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