So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
