before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
