she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
