My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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