I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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