Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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