I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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