I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
