i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize