i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
