i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
