You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
