id be glad to
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
