Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
