i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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