I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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