Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
