you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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