Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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