he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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