So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
