i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
