and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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