I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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