I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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