He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
