I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize